There's a Hole in Your Gut Dear Julie, Dear Julie

I am looking forward to the sunrise tomorrow.  Today was a hard day.  I'm thankful it is over, and I am thankful for the opportunity to wake up and try again tomorrow.  A friend gave me important advice recently.  She said I shouldn't fight off or ignore the negative thoughts that cloud my mind. Instead, I should invite the thoughts in, reflect on their meaning, and then release them.  I do not need them and they will not help me - but I cannot ignore them.

Today I was overwhelmed with negative thoughts.  Julie had her wound checked again and doctors have decided not to close it back up, rather, fill it with moist gauze ('pack it'), tape a maxi pad over it, and let it heal from the inside out.  Seriously.  This is America, folks.  We landed a man on the moon for crying out loud!  I'm pretty sure we can do better than a maxi pad, but if Julie isn't complaining about it I should probably zip it.  Her friend Zack who is staying with her and helping care for her is being trained to un-pack and re-pack the wound himself so she doesn't have to go in and see Dr. Verner every day. Thank you Jesus, and Zack.  I controlled my sensitive gag reflex yesterday to stay with Jeff while he puked up his toenails, but there is no way in hell I could pull dressings out of Julie's gut.  No thank you.  And don't even get me started on changing her maxi pad.  Dr. Verner assured her that she can still start chemo on the 13th with an open wound. 

My next area of concern is for Jeff and his Interferon treatments.  As you know his treatments have been halted indefinitely.  I overheard the nurses at MSTI yesterday saying that they only see about 2 or 3 Interferon patients a year.  I think I know why.  Interferon is a beast - and if it brought Jeff Gauby to his knees in 72 hours, I can't imagine what it would do to someone less fit, less tough, less driven.  It's crazy, really.  Jeff was a meth addict for YEARS!  Have you googled some of the ingredients commonly used to make meth?  Here are some fun ones: gasoline, acetone, chloroform, camp stove fuel, paint thinner, battery acid, cold medicine, and drain cleaner.  He was consuming these things for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for almost 20 years and Interferon is toxic to his system?  I'm throwing my hands up in the air right now. 

MSTI is continuing to take wonderful care of Jeff, even though he isn't officially receiving treatment right now.  He's receiving IV fluids daily, as well as anti-nausea, antacids, and rounding things out w/ a little anti-anxiety med.  They will draw blood on Monday and decide where to go from there.  I'm relieved that he is beginning to come back to life a bit.  He was pretty out of it for the last 2 1/2 days or so.  As of this evening he's been vomit-free since 2:30-ish this afternoon.  Somebody needs to give that guy a medal.  He's been to hell and back this week.

My final negative thought that I am embracing and releasing tonight is an unfortunate and unsettling event that occurred earlier this evening.  I took my boys to the public pool so they could have some fun and I could have some reprieve.  I was looking forward to 2 hours in the shade, listening to the kids frolic in the pool while I read a good book.  Not an hour into my quiet time and some fool POOPED IN THE POOL.  Are you kidding me?  Don't they know what I'm going through right now?  The cesspool was evacuated and I spent the rest of the evening googling how to thoroughly disinfect from poopy pool water exposure.

Bring it on, Friday.  Let's see what you've got.

jen